


Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms

by orphan_account



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Cutting, Depression, Gen, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-10-30 04:42:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10869342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Stress sees Poe returning to old habits.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Repost.

It starts by accident – a small cut on the arm while inspecting his x-wing – and then all Poe can think about is recreating the momentary quietness in his mind that the stinging bite of sharp metal brings. He had thought that he had managed to move past his self-harming addiction years ago. But as the war wages on and the stress builds until it feels as if he may actually crumble into pieces, Poe finds himself being drawn back towards the comfort of old, tried and true habits – no matter how self-destructive they are.

For a while, he manages to put his desire for old ways on hold, reminding himself that there are too many people around who may catch him and decide that he is unfit for duty. The idea of losing the freedom that his place in the Resistance affords him is terrifying. In an effort to keep the urges at bay, he tries to picture the looks of disappointment that would he would receive from his father and General Organa and Finn and his pilots if they found out that he was unable to cope with the stresses of his job like a well-adjusted, normal person. Having to explain himself to those that he respects and cherishes most is almost more frightening than the idea of losing his command is and bolsters his resolve to suppress his urges.

Still, no matter how hard he tries to ignore it, the image of thin, red lines marring the skin of his upper arms and thighs worms its way into his mind deeper and deeper each day until he can practically feel an itch in his skin that can only be relieved with the sharp and bright caress of a blade on his skin.

His resolve finally cracks after a particularly disastrous mission when he stumbles back to his quarters once done with his debriefing. The day’s events continue to replay in his mind as he drops onto his bed – the realization that their intel was bad, the horror as Snap’s X-wing went down, the brief flash of relief when Snap’s voice came through the comms to let the rest of the pilots know he had managed to land safely, and the horror when it became clear that they would have to leave Snap behind to be captured by the First Order. He cannot keep himself from obsessing over the orders he gave his pilots during their flight, cannot help but fear that his decisions were wrong and that perhaps some of this fiasco could have been avoided if he had done better.

The cold emptiness of his quarters allows his dark thoughts to grow unchallenged until he finally can no longer tolerate the raging thoughts. Needing some peace, he reaches for the small utility knife he keeps close by. As he slides the blade from its sheath he feels nervous and giddy and weak all at once. The sudden buzz of emotion nearly overwhelms him and makes him pause before rolling up one sleeve. But the need to bleed drives him to bring the knife up and press the sharp blade to the soft skin of his upper arm.

The sting that follows the path the blade makes quiets part of the torrent of thoughts rushing through his mind. He flicks the blade again, digging a little deeper than the last cut but still making certain to not go deep enough to need more medical aid than he can provide himself, and a tiny grin quirks the corner of his mouth up with the relief it brings. He repeats the motion a few more times, each slice bringing more peace with it.

Finally, he feels well enough to tuck the knife away again. He gives the wounds a quick wipe down to ensure they do not get infected and, before the endorphin rush can dissipate, he curls up on his side and falls into sleep.

\-----------

The next several weeks pass in a blur for Poe. When he is on a mission he does not feel the stress of leadership as strongly as in the moments of quiet between flights when there is little to distract his mind. He finds himself obsessing over reports, trying to piece together what he should have done to better protect his squadron. Terror grips him when he sees reports of First Order activity, fearing the loss of more pilots and friends. He dreads the day that a report will come through informing them that Snap was executed. But, after spending time as a captive of the First Order, he wonders whether death would be a kinder fate for Snap. Then the guilt for thinking such thoughts about his friend makes him once more turn to old habits.

Each time the stress and guilt of missions and friends lost gets to be too much, he finds himself sneaking away from the other and taking the blade to his skin. The elation of drawing small droplets of warm crimson overpowers the nagging voice that tells him that this is a bad idea since if he is caught it will cause him more trouble until he hardly even worries about it. Still, he does take care to keep others from finding out about his coping mechanism.

As more time passes, he is forced to cut more and more in order to quiet his troubled mind. Soon, the thin marks have spread from his upper arms to his thighs and even to his chest. Luckily, he has his own shower stall in his quarters, otherwise it would be impossible for him to hide the crisscross of fading red lines creeping across his body.

For a while Poe manages to convince himself that he has everything under control, that everything is getting better. Even as he drags the blade along the delicate skin of his inner forearm – taking care to not go too deeply, to not nick something major – he feels calmer, in control, almost at peace.

Then in walks Finn, and Poe feels the illusion of control and calm shatter as his heart stops momentarily with the realization that he has been caught. The look of horror on Finn’s face makes him drop the knife and cover his arms hastily. But, the damage is already done, and Poe knows that it is only a matter of time before others find out.

Poe barely manages to convince Finn to keep this between the two of them for the time being with promises that he will not hurt himself too terribly and will find a better way to cope. At least, he hopes that Finn will keep this quiet for a while. He has no control over what Finn says to anyone. And he knows that Finn will probably feel compelled to get him some sort of help since the ex-stormtrooper truly is a good, kind man.

Oddly enough, he finds himself needing the sting of the blade more now that his secret is out even though the cutting is what is causing him this stress in the first place. But Finn also insisted on him giving up his knife as extra insurance that he would refrain from injuring himself. So, Poe just curls up in his bunk and tries to ignore the unrest in his mind.

\--------

In the end, Poe never has to find out if Finn would have ratted him out. Only a couple of days after being found out – days spent with Finn hovering nearby and giving him concerned looks – Poe’s X-wing gets damaged during a mission and BB-8 is the one who ends up piloting the ship that is barely holding together back to the safety of the Resistance base.

Poe is aware enough as the cockpit is opened and hands reach in to pull him from his seat to realize that if he goes to medical there is no way that the self-inflected cuts on him will go unnoticed. It sends a fresh wave of panic through him and he struggles against the people lifting him down onto a stretcher. They obviously think that he is confused about where he is as they keep telling him that he is safe at base. But he is not safe here, not from the consequences of his own actions. As a sharp prick on his arm sends a rush of warm drowsiness spreading through him, he finds himself near tears with the desire to both dig a blade into his skin and to never have picked up a knife in the first place.


	2. Chapter 2

When Poe next wakes, he is met with the harsh lights of the medical bay. He tries to cover his eyes but quickly discovers that his wrists are bound to the cot he is on. Panic surges through him as his brain catches up to reality and he recalls exactly why he would be restrained.

Doctor Kalonia is by his side within a few moments, apparently alerted to his distress. She patiently goes over his injuries before confronting him about his older injuries. Poe cringes when he is told that General Organa has been made aware of his self-harm and is wanting to speak with him soon. He merely nods and mumbles his understanding. When Dr. Kalonia finally leaves, Poe, exhausted as he is, falls back into a restless sleep.

\---------

Poe’s next awakening sees General Organa sitting next to his bed quietly, watching him with a concerned frown. He cannot meet her eyes, not since he is the cause of the intense sorrow filling them. The cuffs around his wrists are gone, likely General Organa’s doing, but he still feels trapped under the weight of her expectant gaze. He ends up staring up at the ceiling, shame rendering him unable to bring himself to speak. 

Finally, the silence is broken when the General asks him what had brought this self-harming frenzy on and why he had not sought help. Poe is quiet for a few moments, mind incapable of forming any halfway coherent explanation for his actions. When he tries to stall by shifting into a more upright position, General Organa steps closer to assist him. Somehow, he had not expected the tenderness from her as she helps sit up. Tears prick his eyes as he gets settled and stares down at his lap. He feels like he has failed her woefully and is undeserving of her care.

When no reply comes from him, the General tells him that she is placing him on medical leave and sending him back home for a while so he can get himself back on track. She continues to tell him that she has requested his father to come and collect him and that he will be leaving the base by tomorrow.

Poe nods miserably, perfectly understanding her orders but still feeling wretched for letting her down and bringing this on himself. As she rests a comforting hand on his shoulder, he hunches forward and begins to sob as too many emotions well up in him all at once.

General Organa lets him cry himself out on her shoulder. And, once the tears have stopped, she gives him a tight hug and tells him to take care of himself as she needs him back once he is healed. He nods and mumbles a promise that he will. She then tells him that Finn has been adamant about seeing him and asks if he would like her to send him in. Guilt and shame makes him briefly consider rejecting the request. But since he will be off base for who knows how long, he had best take advantage of the chance to see his friend again.

\------------

Finn looks rather like a lost and abused puppy when he enters the room and takes a seat beside Poe’s bed. Before the younger man can say anything, a stream of apologies flows from Poe’s lips. He wants Finn to know that he is sorry for ever asking Finn to keep quiet on his behalf. The younger man should never have been put in the situation where he would have to decide whether to rat on his friend, even if in the end he did not have to.

The younger man waves away his apologies, telling him that he is glad Poe is as alright as he can be all things considered and that he hopes that Poe will keep in touch with him. Finn’s voice is strained as he says that, and once more, Poe feels a rush of regret and shame for letting things get so wildly out of hand. If Poe were to stay, he would work hard to try to repair the damage that he has done to their budding friendship. But, even the thought of how they might not have the chance to communicate that much as the Resistance needs to stay hidden as much as possible for everyone’s safety, makes Poe’s skin itch with the desire to cut once again.

Finn ends up staying for a long while, simply chatting with Poe. Even though the melancholic mood never fully lifts, his visit does help dull the desire to find something for Poe to score his flesh with. He wishes that Finn would come back home with him, but he knows that he would feel guilty pulling yet another fighter away from the Resistance when they so desperately need them. So, he does not ask for the extra company.

Poe does, however, ask if Finn would take care of BB-8 while he is away. Having his droid watching over the young ex-stormtrooper would help him feel better about being gone. Finn agrees, but warns him that he still has not a clue what the little astromech chirps on about. The both manage a small chuckle over Finn’s inability to understand the small droid. Poe tells him that it will be an opportunity to learn, and Finn cannot disagree.

Before he leaves, Finn makes Poe promise that he will look after himself. Poe assures him that he will do his best, even as his stomach flutters with the weight of the promise. Considering how poorly he has managed that task recently, Poe feels that swearing to not harm himself will surely only end in failure and hurt all around. Finn gives him a sad smile before the door shuts behind him, leaving Poe alone with his troubled and anxious thoughts.


End file.
